Fulfilled

Who am I? What do I want? I know I want to be happy, but I have no clue how to achieve happiness. Several people I know are pregnant, So i wanted to be pregnant. Then I remembered I hate kids and would rather buy sexy new stilettos than formula and diapers. Another friend applied to law school, so i started to think Hey, I could be a lawyer. But I never even took my GMAT's. An old friend from high school is doing Teach For America in China. That sounds like an adventure I want to be on-then I remember he's dirt poor living with 2 roommates and rides a bike everywhere. But he's happy.

The person staring back at me in the mirror disgusts me. I'm fat-so I joined a gym and hired a personal trainer. My teeth are crooked-so I wear my retainer nightly. My teeth aren't white-so I whiten them. Ihate my hair-so I book an appointment at the salon. I wax my eyebrows and I color my hair and I whiten my teeth and I get contacts and I wash my face and use the best make-up but nothing makes a bit of difference because I'm still me. And I'm not happy.

I have no clue what I want, but I know it's nothing I have. I'm jealous of every single person around me. I thought admitting you have a problem is the first step, but knowing I'm selfish, materialistic and green with envy has not helped me find bliss.

My personal trainer forced me next to the wall of mirrors-the wall of shame. He screamed at me to look straight ahead-I had only ever looked at my feet. "Bad form" he said. "Keep your posture-look straight ahead. Work it like everyone is watching you. They want to be you-you are the center of attention."

I looked straight ahead. I saw me in the mirror. I cringed, but I pushed through. I didn't find happiness, but I gained a bit of confidence. Self-aware I may be, but self-asured, I am not. But maybe he was on to something. I should stop living my life wanting what others have-but live my life taking what I want. In fact, I'm not really living right now-simply passing the time in miserable contemplation. From here on out, I'm going to live my life like a reality tv show. As if everyone was watching-jealous of what I get to do and who I get to be. No boundaries, no restrictions, no fear.





...Maybe.