Life is funny that way. We set goals according to what we think we want. We make plans to achieve those goals. Then perception and reality tangle and it never turns out how we thought it would. If anyone asked me a few years ago where I saw myself at 25, I never could have predicted this. I own a house. In Las Vegas. Where I manage my own $4.2 million warehouse. Distributing HVAC equipment. I traded my stilettos for steel-toed boots and drive a forklift when I once drove Camaro's.
I know exactly who I want to be and I have the wisdom to know it's not in my personality to become her. So where does that leave me? Making resolutions I haven't quite resolved to. Alas, I digress. I shall subside to the little girl with faith that the New Year means something. Something bigger than this moment. A beginning, a fresh start. Endless possibilities.
1. To finish a novel. I have 5 started with about 70 scattered, incoherent pages among them. I would love to feel that sense of accomplishment. With all these characters crammed in my head waiting to be penned, I long for the cathartic relief that comes with exhausting their stories. There are a few that are so dear to my heart that I don't feel my writing could ever do it justice. Stories inspired by people I know and love and moments in time you can never get back. But if I write it all out then other people will know it happened and the moment takes on an immortal life of its own.
2. To be confident again. I don't know how it happened or even when, but I have lost my essence. I used to carry a confidence that could cause jealousy and envy. I was never the smartest, prettiest, or funniest, but I could command attention and enjoyed the spotlight. Now, I shy away from any watchful eye. I blend and censor and wear khaki pants. Where did I go? When did I start caring about what others say and think? I miss being me.
3. To have one true friend. I miss 4th grade when I formed S.P.O.T.S.-a club with my 2 best friends, Lisa and Emily. We even had a lemonade stand to help collect dues. I miss 6th grade where I formed my own band with Ashley and Beth. We were obsessed with Spice Girls and Hanson. In 8th grade, I felt like part of the cool crowd(we weren't) with Victoria and Virginia. We were nicknamed "The 3 V's." I miss the sleepovers and the long phone conversations. I miss seeing them everyday in school and spending weekends hanging out.
I miss all the guys I never appreciated until it was too late. Chris who was always funny, the smartest person I have ever known and who I counted on as the only boy who never had a crush on me. He took care of me in Tucson for a few brief months and we were never that close. Kevin who lingers on the outskirts of my perception, but makes me smile when I randomly text him to catch up, and he takes the time to text back. If only I spent more time with him in junior high and high school. He's become such an amazing person I don't know. And Matthew. He not only carried my burdens, but hid them from me and I selfishly let him. The boy I didn't know I loved until I loved him and he was lost to me.
The friendships now are laced with adulthood. Busy schedules of children, jobs, responsibilities mar the time we have with each other. Friendships don't run deep-there's no trust. No telling every dirty secret, every emotion, every dream from the nighttime and the future. We speak, but do we really listen? Who knows me and accepts me? Who have I stopped trying to impress and the friendship remains? Who am I willing to do the same for? Who can come over and hang out but not expect to be entertained?
Where do I see myself in one year? I have no fucking idea.
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