MTV Video Music Awards 2011

Seriously? Are the MTV VMA's even relevant anymore? Let's start with the fact that Music TeleVision NO LONGER shows any music videos. Neither does MTV2. It's gotten so bad even VH1, MTV's red-headed stepchild, relies heavily on quality reality programming like "La La's Full Court Life" to stay afloat. Okay, so after a quick show listing lineup search, I discovered there is a 2 hour block of music videos starting at 6am. I think my point has been made.

This awards show is absolutely redonk. That's my quirky slang for Frigging RIDICULOUS!!!! Yet, I tuned in (halfway through, of course, I'm fashionably late like that). And I have this to say:

What's up with Jessie J., an average European one-hit wonder heading up the awards show band in the tackiest nude and black skintight jumpsuit rocking a leg brace in the most boring sit-down performances of flat, off-key and awkward renditions of past and present music hits that aren't hers? Talk about WORST. COVER. BAND. EVER. I feel for the audience. At least MTV graciously pulls away for a commercial break to rest my bleeding ears.

So Britney Spears received the Michael Jackson Inspirational Award? WTF is that? Oh, I know. An excuse to bring up MJ near the anniversary of his death while simultaneously incorporating maximum BS (that's Britney Spears) into the show. What disgusts me is the BS dance tribute through her music career where the girls get younger and younger as the songs get trashier and trashier.

Beyonce is not yet 30. Who cares that she's married to a man 11 years her senior with baby on the way? I don't, she's HAWT, HOTT, HOT! So what was with the ridiculously bedazzled mom outfit? Ask Kelly Rowland for some preggers fashion advice. Well, that may not be much better. Her "Project Runway" knockoff was a huge disaster.

I guess not THAT huge, since I think I may have been one of only 7 people to have tuned in to a single episode. Still...You and Jay-Z make a shit fuck ton (I'm rounding up) of money. Surely you can afford a decent stylist.

There was a commercial for Taylor Lautner's new movie Abduction.

I'm not saying it looks particularly good, but *fingers crossed* he has a better career than Robert Pattinson. I can't stand his fake American accent. Or the fact that he's dating Kristen Stewart. I'm not jealous or anything, it's just that she can't act. At all. And she seems like a bitch. I'm just saying...
Then there's the fact that Taylor Lautner is incredibly sexy. I say this knowing full well he is my brother's age and I'm trying to ignore the creep factor. But tan, and "RRRipped Like Jesus" with a killer smile beats RPatz bedhead anyday.

Really, Sir? It's called a brush, please run one through your hair. Or a comb. Fingers will work. I'm sure there is some girl somewhere willing to run her fingers through your hair. Please accept the next offer STAT.

I must say, I'm not that shocked by Lady Gaga's cross-dressing. After the raw meat dress from last year's VMA's, I, like the rest of America, held my breath in anticipation of how she could possibly top herself.

Then she did it. Not by dressing like a 1950's greaser, but by embodying the spirit of being a man so completely that he/she actually referred to "Gaga" as a 3rd party persona. I admire her for doing her own thing. I guess. Better than BS.

Russell Brand's tribute to Amy Winehouse. It's difficult listening to Russell Brand in general. But now he's talking about a serious subject matter. In that insane British accent. Not gonna lie, I just kept repeating random sentences in my head in a British accent instead of listening to what he said. Don't lie, you know you started speaking in tongues after his speech too. Now, let's continue the rant: Alcoholism and drug addiction are NOT DISEASES. Amy Winehouse had an amazing gift-a beautiful, soulful voice. She literally sat on top of the world with a record career many can't even get the courage to dream about and she sabotaged it at every possible chance. She had the opportunity to be a role model and do something good in her life, but Amy Winehouse chose to continue on her destructive path. There is nobody to blame but herself and the more MTV glamorizes her decision, the more they are socially accepting her fate and promoting it to the next generation.

I adore Katy Perry for being herself, but she wore a cube on her head. Her music is way too bubblegum-pop and overplayed for me, but it starts out catchy so I'll give her that. She named her cat Kitty Purry. I'm still not sure how I feel about that. Although I'm annoyed by her weird 80's persona, Kathy Beth Terry, it kind of reminds me of high school pictures of my friend, Jen.

But her last outfit at the VMA's was hideous and I cannot forgive such a faux-pas. There's a cube on her head. A cube, people. The gap between her funky-retro (and not in a good way) jacket and mildly hideous skirt defied the laws of physics by displaying Katy Perry's back fat. And Katy Perry doesn't have back fat! I can deal with the quirky outfit and even swallow my distaste for the cube (?!?), but I REFUSE to overlook such chunky heels. You had how many outfits changes throughout the night and THIS is how you chose to end it? I can only imagine Katy Perry at home and in a very cheesy typical rom-com montage set to her own soundtrack trying on outfit after endless outfit for a bored Russell Brand when she emerges from the closet in this gem of an ensemble and earnestly asks her husband "How do I look?" To which he responds in a cheery British accent "Lovely, mate, as were the first 130. Now can we order some Chinese?" Because he's a GUY and doesn't CARE and is HUNGRY and now you have a CUBE on YOUR HEAD and those clunky, dare I call them heels(?) clodding on stage while you accept a well-deserved award on a live, national broadcast.

So there's my take. Believe it or not, I have more to say, but some of us are real people living in the real world who have work in the morning and need to get our beauty sleep because we don't have a team of overpaid stylists to dress us up in the most ridiculous outfits just so bloggers can unwittingly continue to promote us and extend our 15 minutes of fame. Which is why I must go to bed now instead of stay up for another 4 hours just to say everything I want to say about Nicki Minaj. Thankfully, a picture is worth a thousand words so I leave you with this:

Bumped by Megan McCafferty

So deliciously controversial! In 2036 a virus has mass spread preventing everyone over 18 from conceiving. Faced with extinction, teens are prized as the new breeders. You have amateurs (who get "bumped" by their boyfriends) and professionals (who are paid top $$ for their select genetic contribution).

Cleverly written, McCafferty embraces the bump-crazed culture with her perfectly penned vernacular uniquely reminiscent of Amy Heckerling's "Clueless." 'Sex' is rarely mentioned directly-vaguely referred to as "bumping" or the act of creating a baby bump. 'Pregnant' is consistently shortened to 'preg' and the babies have nicknames. By staying away from modern society's taboo phrases and words, Bumped allows the reader to somewhat disassociate with the serious subject matter and revel in the satirical undertones.

Bumped follows the separate-at-birth and recently-reunited identical twins Melody and Harmony. melody was raised by economy professors who predicted the pay-for-preg craze and adopted and raised Melody for maximum ROI. although she's under a 6 figure contract and waiting to repro (her agent is trying to pair her with the perfect genetic match for an optimal bump), this "virge on the verge" (virgin on the verge of obsolescence) is having doubts. Doubts caused by the sudden appearance of her preachy twin Harmony who was raised by the 2036 version of the Amish. Living segregated from society and refuting all technology including the MiNet (and you thought FB was time-consuming!) the "Goodsiders" have arranged marriages at 13 and the girls are groomed to become faithful wives dedicated wives, and submit to domesticity for the benefit of the community. Harmony is on a Mission to save her sister-or is she? Harmony's Bible-thump to Melody's baby-bump attitude adds comical insight to both society's extremes. Seriously, McCafferty manages to perfectly balance an epic bitch-slap to religion while preaching morality and purity. You gotta read it to believe it.

McCafferty's sinfully decadent novel doesn't become overly thought provoking until the last 20-or-so pages. The unprecedented predicament sets up for a sequel promising to be far more complicated and grown-up than the curious debut. With the sequel, Melody and Harmony will have tough choices to make and I anticipate the consequences will be brought to light. Issues of postpartum depression, sacrificing virginity and birthing complications are merely touched upon in Bumped.

In an America obsessed with teen pregnancies ("16 and Pregnant", "Teen Mom") the situation is sensationalized by the ignorant and perpetuated by the weak and self-indulgent. Impressionable young minds, raised by MTV replacing decent parenting and tabloids creating reality stars, idolize the mistakes made when you don't close your legs, rubber up, or pill/prick/patch yourself. McCafferty's exuberant extremes satirize a culture that's becoming all-too-familiar. The fact there's no virus threatening mass extinction makes the real-world parallel that much more sad and pathetic. Whether McCafferty's intention or not, I hope Bumped can show impressionable teens just how important it is to think for yourself when faced with overwhelming pressure to conform.