Saturday, March 5, 2011

Beastly


A thinly veiled modern take on Beauty and The Beast without any of the charm. I didn't anticipate any Oscar-worthy performances, cinematography or story. I also didn't anticipate this movie being so bad I was physically sick watching it. My body can handle only so much cheese before it starts rejecting the unGodly gooey mess.

The dialog was everything but interesting or subtle. I was able to keep up with the high school emo-chick being a real witch and cursing the pretty, rich popular boy for his vanity. What was so unbelievable is how they set up his isolation and Vanessa Hudgen's character Lindy being trapped with him.

After being cursed as ugly and told to "embrace the suck" which is now conveniently his tattooed eyebrows, handsome Kyle (played by Alex Pettyfer) is sent in to isolation by his father. He has a year to make someone fall in love with him and wastes several months of that being a miserable prick. The story progressed so fast and rough that none of the torment was visible so they had to stress it through numerous "I am in Hell" references.

Kyle met Lindy briefly his last day as the ideal male specimen and it was love at first sight-without the love. After he is cursed, he takes it upon himself to stalk her until one day she is placed in a ridiculously precarious situation forcing her to move into exile with him. But she doesn't know why she's there or who he is. I laughed so hard at this I cried.

Even the ever-funny Neil Patrick Harris as the blind tutor couldn't save this movie from itself. Vanessa Hudgens was cute as a button, but you can only do so much with a script this bad. One of the Olsen Twins was also in this movie playing an unbelievable teen witch with awesome shoes and everything she says has an echo. Ironically, the only good thing about this movie was Alex Pettyfer working out in his black briefs in the beginning of the movie.

I may have mentioned the concept of a "pie movie" before-a term my husband coined to describe a movie so bad that afterward, instead of provoking conversation, it inflicts only a desire for pie. This went beyond your typical pie movie such that I was craving pie DURING the movie as a consolation prize for sitting through this gag-fest.

If you saw this movie and disagree I implore you to comment below.

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