And You Wonder Why?

My best friend was born October 7th, 1985. He opened my eyes to the world around me and healed my broken heart. He protected me when I was too naive to know I needed protecting. I absolutely refused to fall in love with him just to spite everyone who said it was inevitable. We drifted in and out of each others lives for years growing up, but I never worried I would lose him. He was the constant that rooted me to this magnificent earth. I don't think I ever told him just how big a part of my life he was. 

In high school, we went to different schools and drifted even further apart. But he showed up when it really mattered. Until the day he didn't. 

My other best friend was born October 7th, 1985. It was almost as if the torch to take care of me was handed off. I was overwhelmed and confused how someone could possibly care for me so much? I was a horrible person to everyone I met-even him. But he grew on me despite my perfected concrete walls. And nearly inseparable we became. He didn't fill the hole in my heart, but made me forget it was there. His never-ending patience and understanding taught me HOW to reciprocate a friendship.

I didn't realize the difference between love and friendship until it was too late to rescind the things I said-or left unsaid. Now, 8 years after the end of high school, I cherish the memories made with one man while making new memories with another. 

On October 9th, I celebrate my 3 year wedding anniversary. Born in June, he is both friend and lover. What does it say about me that neither one of my best friends showed up to give me away? My dad was there, but I was never really his to give. It was he who first broke my heart. My fragile, 9-year-old heart that was  slowly pieced back together by a little boy who became my best friend. 

On October 19th, 2010 my father was tragically and violently killed. Ripped from my life just as he was learning his own lessons in love and fatherhood. Exactly one month after his 49th birthday, he ceased to exist in the world as we know it. My heart-the pieces held together with sticky glue and hasty staples-once again crumbled. But in a shockingly permanent way. 

I was reminded of all the things I said and didn't say. To my father. 

And my friend. My love. 

My grandma was born on October 7th. My father's mother. Reparations will be made in October, but will justice? 

Am I happy or am I sad? Do I mourn or celebrate? Do I grieve the loss of one love when I revel in another? Do I cherish one friend while missing the first? 

The walls are coming back faster than ever now. They close and lock securely in place to protect what's left of this small heart beating in my chest. It's all just motions now. Work and life and the future. Disconnected and disconcerting. Come pull the puppet strings and bring me to life. I forgot all the lessons I learned in friendship and love and I am sinking. I gasp and struggle to breathe and my heart beat is faint. 

And you wonder why?